hmmm, sort of having a cold war with grandma now.. she scolded me again this morning when i couldnt wake up for school. felt really hurt, how could she say those kinda things to me? i used 3 alarm clocks, but i really couldnt hear the freaking alarm!!! yesterday she said im useless, cos im in poly and my bro is going to uni. that she wonders if im really going to sch or going out to play. just because im out late doesnt mean i dont care about school. today she said something tt i didnt expect. i came home at 4 last night, cos i went out to drink. she asked if it was cos i went my "bf's" house to sleep then come home so late. ya, right. my imaginary bf la hur. and she went on about how good my bro is again. i just kept quiet. last week i was sick, took 2 days mc. she thought i was faking it. when i wanna pon sch, i'll just say it out. i wont fake an illness. when i coughed til my lungs wanted to burst, when i coughed from night til morning everyday, she would wake up and scold me.. she was afraid my coughing would awaken my bro. when on the contrary, i was worried that i would wake her up.

why? why is our relationship turning so bad? im trying to close up the gap between us, but why is it like tt now? its not that i dun wanna go home, i just dun feel tt im needed at home.

when i was young, my grades were all A's, but she still felt my bro was better. but we were very close. we watched tv together. i would keep disturbing her, pinching her saggy arms. haha. help her "massage".

but now.. we have no physical contact at all.

i went home to get my laptop after sch, but i couldnt find it. i messed up the living room looking for it, realised bro must have brought it for the genting trip. she started to nag again. i just grabbed my mums lappy and left, saying i had to work. i hate myself for not trying to keep calm and talk to her.. i just hate myself for not being good enough for her.

they had to work til 10pm, i decided not to wait. i went to the shop for dinner. wei told me she couldnt meet, i had nowhere to go.. slept at their hostel. i think aunty must be thinking why im not going home to sleep when my house is only across the road. haha.

family finally came home. they came to pick me up to go home. i felt so relieved.. at least when theyre home, everything will be alright. didnt call grandma when i stepped into the house. straightaway she asked, i thought u working? great. i think she thinks i went out with my beloved "bf" again. mum kept pestering me, asking if i quarrelled with her. felt like crying, so i just kept yawning hahaha. feel so pathetic can?

i just cant stand it. i cried to sch, to office, on the bus home, while eating, even now im still crying. its worse than a breakup. cos she's my family. and i love her the most out of them all. i dun wanna wait til i lose her before i start to regret not trying. but im trying so hard, ignoring her sarcastic remarks, trying to remember all the good times. maybe im not trying hard enough, maybe its just because im a girl. chunhong told me not to mind, cos old pple will always favour guys more. but it aint fair..

haha.. its ok, just need to let it out here. i guess shes going thru menopause stage 3 la hur. 90+ yrs alr, very lonely ma!

i believe tomoro will be a better day. :)